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BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for mastiffs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind
a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few
yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes,
and you prance away.
BUMP: The best way to get your mistress/master's attention
when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects mastiffs when
their mistress/master want them in and they want to stay out.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the mistress/master, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
MASTIFF BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white
bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch
in the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your mistress/master have food and you
don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can
and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better
yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE
CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week
to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and
try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right
you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones
to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
LEAN: Every good mastiff's response to the command
"sit !", especially if your mistress/master is dressed for
an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling
you to lead your mistress/master where you want him/her to
go.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely
and without restriction. The best way you can show your love
is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you
in return.
SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your mistress/master
makes you stop.
SOFAS:
Are to mastiffs like napkins are to people. After eating it
is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe
your whiskers clean.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming
to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms,
so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following
at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a mastiff toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn
over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until
your mistress/master comes home.
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